My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
cats when you pet them too long:
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
