Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

A duv-egg? In this economy?

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.

I’m about to make it rein, deer.

(Please don’t block me.)

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,

having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.

Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵

Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”

A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”

A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.