Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.

Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*

(The next day)

Husband: Have you seen the manual for-

Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy

[first BDSM session]

Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?

Me: fwerd

Dom: No! SAFEWORD

Me: *flinching* FWERD

There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.

I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈

*watching someone make a cake*

them: and now add the mascarpone

me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.

“Nom nom nom”

– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

Them: are you busy right now

Me: (just laid down) yes