My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
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Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Oh, I bet you would be
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.