My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
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HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
*offers Batman cough drops*
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
smh
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.