My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
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I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Me too
