My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
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Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
🤣🤣🤣🤣
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
weddings should have a worst man
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
what day is it?
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’