My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
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My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
*watches the world burn*
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!