My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
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HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Is fructose made with real fruct?
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”