Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

Can’t stop laughing

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?

angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos

[turns to 2nd angel]

God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?

angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷‍♂️

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

😤😤

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.

She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

Winnipeg!!

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.