My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
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27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
According to math, I’m broke
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats