My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
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My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
when she block me on everything
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
My dating profile:
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders