My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
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A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!