Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool

I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣

🤣

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

[at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

“American or Swiss?”

I’m flying Swiss

“I mean for cheese?”

No, for business

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?