Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

Skip intro

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

stages of moving house

1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.

BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-

[wall breaks down]

SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY

BATMAN: No.

hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen