My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
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If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
bout dat hot dog summer
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.