My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
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Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero