Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball

Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.

Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.

A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.