My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
You Might Also Like
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
She: I like Cats
He:
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
