Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

Party Cat & Scaredy Cat

[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

Yes…

I retweet.

Isn’t that kinda the point?

Spread the love and shit?

Mostly shit…

But that’s your fault…

I have a black belt in leather

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”

That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.

[Dracula before he got braces]

:F

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic

What in the hipster hell is going on here

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

[at White Castle]

clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen

[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!

bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.