Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

WTF IS THAT!

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?

Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know