Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭

Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even

What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.

He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”

No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.

how do lawyers not cry when arguing

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

Cornhub…

For them dirty farmers.

[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]

HER: So what kind of car do you drive?

ME: A bookmobile.

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

logging onto twitter…

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?