Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?

Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot

Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient

My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.

kid: I feel funny, mom

mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

date: so what do you do on the weekends.

me: mostly pet my cat.

date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.

me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.

I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.

I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.