Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

Encore…

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.

– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies

[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before

My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

Nature abhors a vacuum

My dog: frfr

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.

The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.

Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

Most Common Source of Electricity

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!