My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.