My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
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(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.