My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
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I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel