My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
You Might Also Like
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
me opening up to someone
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
i choose….tongue
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.