My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
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God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.