Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”

-women wearing uggs

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant