Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.

feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Store: Aluminum I think

Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store: Don’t you dare!

Me: It’s a nickleless cage

Pet Store: GET OUT!

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.

The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:

Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together

Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!