Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*

5: Can we play music in our room?

Me: Sure!

5: Any music?

Me: Whatever you want!

5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!

Me: Nooooooooooooo

Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!

wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

Okey dokey.

Cause of death: Zumba

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

I’ve verified my own account.

It’s utter crap ✔

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it