Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

applying for a new job

a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.

millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

Breaking news:

Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.

Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

M: what’s this about, 007?

James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am

M: are you sure?

JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him

M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?

pigeon: coo

M: my god man, you’re right!

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes