Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

ex: do you still have feelings for me?

me: yes.
disgust.

Me: Ah-woooo!

The Moon: [swipes left]

[restaurant]

date: this chicken is a little dry

me: I think my burger‘s undercooked

waiter: how is everything

me: it’s great

date: so good

What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?

Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.

If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

Calling in stupid to work tomorrow

ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water

BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”