Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”

Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”

me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

True story 🤣

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie