Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.

ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

“eat what’s in season” the health people said

Me:

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.