My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
You Might Also Like
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*