Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…

Bullshit.

What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok