My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
You Might Also Like
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Breaking news:
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.