My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
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If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.