Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

Freaky Friday 2:

The mom and daughter switch bodies again

The mom doesn’t go back

She keeps stealing children’s bodies

She lives forever

My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.

I cannot stop laughing at this

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes