My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
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I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
How does one answer this?
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL