Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:

Yeah sure what time

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.

THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.

It’s science.

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.

2022: I can fix it

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.