Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!

ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?

[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]

HER: Aw, this makes my day.

ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

Need this in my life lol

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.

He instantly became one of the bros

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

me: lmao i saw it on twitter

them: what’s your twitter

me: i don’t have twitter

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

Women: When
are you leaving?

Men: In the morning.

W: Yeah but what time.

M: Morningtime.

Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months

when you are just born a rebel

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.