A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
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”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
This year I’m going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Just been doing some DIY using my stepladder. Not my real ladder. I never knew my real ladder.