My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
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Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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