@LetMeStart

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

You Might Also Like

@samalmightysam

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

@nealbrennan

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

@Chumpstring

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

@bobvulfov

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

@T_Bonezzz_

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

@ExtraGrumpyCat

This year I’m going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.

@ObscureGent

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

@jazmasta

Just been doing some DIY using my stepladder. Not my real ladder. I never knew my real ladder.