My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
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[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Printer ink is expensive
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
