Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

Finally, an explanation.

Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon

when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

every time I roll over in the middle of the night

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

Priest: You may now kiss the bride.

Me: Do I have to?

And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.

How do you like your Corgi?

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.