Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

President The Rock Obama

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*

My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED

my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?

my husband and i: ………👀

6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?

*synchronized sigh of relief*

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from