My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
You Might Also Like
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
A bed and breakfast with an oxygen bar. Call it an Air B&B.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.