My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
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The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…