My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
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Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Can you solve the riddle??
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.