My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
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IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Guilty! 🤪
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Bed should get ready for ME
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
looks legit
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t