My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
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Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.