Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time

Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you

Me: Noice.

Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”

Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”

Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”

Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”

I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.