My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
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Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.