My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
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Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Who chose this font
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
life lately
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.