My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
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My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”