Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years

Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up