Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot

Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance

Boss: It’s broken and does nothing

Me: shit

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

I’m a bad influence on myself.

I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT

I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.

With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

Life in your 40’s:

Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!

Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough