My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
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I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
🙁
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.