@MeatloafComedy

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

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@ojedge

Darth Vader’s full name is Dartholomew Spaceinvader.

@TweetPotato314

[chopped]

Judge 1: this is disgusting

Judge 2: the chicken is raw

Judge 3: why are there froot loops

[the rat under my hat starts biting me]

@DanRather

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

@Not_From_Troy

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

@catcerveny

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

@AmandaRNH

Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.

Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?

Me: Obviously.

@SirEviscerate

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

@jwoodham

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

@Ann_tookeen

Crush: what’s your zodiac sign?

*he’s not sure but he wanted to impress her so he said,

Guy: you first 🙂
Crush: I’m Cancer ☺ And you?

Guy: uhmmm… I’m…. Ulcer 🙄

@PeachyPixel8

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.