Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

Me when someone tries to get to know me

All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?

Me: Yeah! Slept.

Husband: Correct, good night.

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

My Sentiments Exactly

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that

*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”

Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?