My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
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like swimming in quick dry cement
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
every. time.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.