My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
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Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
And now we wait
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Legend 🤣🤣
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Get in loser we’re going crying
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I’ve disappointed better people.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?