My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
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Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?