My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!