My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
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Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.