My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
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[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Bringing back this classic
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”