My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
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Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?