My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
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“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying