My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
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CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—