There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
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doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”