@simoncholland
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
@Getnosexual
My parenting life wavers between “Be original and true to yourself” and “Please don’t make the school psychologist call me again this week”.
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@simoncholland
@tarashoe
A WOMAN: i’ve only been washing my hair
ME: IN THE OFFICE BATHROOM SINK!! ME TOO!!
THE WOMAN: once a
ME: ONCE I WAKE UP I KNOW SAME ME TOO!!
@RickAaron
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
@BGH70
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
@weinerdog4life
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
@FrazzleMyGimp
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
@mattZillaaaa
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
@sheann828
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
@SeiYoung83
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
@Reverend_Scott
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.