@Getnosexual

My parenting life wavers between “Be original and true to yourself” and “Please don’t make the school psychologist call me again this week”.

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@simoncholland

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

@tarashoe

A WOMAN: i’ve only been washing my hair
ME: IN THE OFFICE BATHROOM SINK!! ME TOO!!
THE WOMAN: once a
ME: ONCE I WAKE UP I KNOW SAME ME TOO!!

@RickAaron

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

@BGH70

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

@weinerdog4life

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

@FrazzleMyGimp

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

@mattZillaaaa

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

@sheann828

Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?

@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.