Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
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{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life