My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
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cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.