My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
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I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me