My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
You Might Also Like
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*