My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
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16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
*puts my mental health in rice
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money