My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
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Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
The best plant holders?
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Only a mother’s love …
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.