My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
