Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

Who did this…? 💫⚡️

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.

…

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

When I said I liked it rough.

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream