Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time

I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!

I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father

If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

thanksgiving in nutshell

My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.