Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

Me: Where’s Ken?

3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.

I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

love pickles so much i put myself in one

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry

LOL

marvel comics have peaked

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.

“Rogue One” idea:

The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.

Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”

Lassie, get help!

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.